


Soldier in This War

by secondalto



Series: A Love Supreme [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/M, M/M, Memories, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 10:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19293952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secondalto/pseuds/secondalto
Summary: In reality it only takes Steve five seconds to return the stones, but for Bucky, it's an eternity





	Soldier in This War

**Author's Note:**

> And here is the ending. I hope you enjoyed my fix it. With thanks to Rainne for making it better.

Bucky Barnes doesn’t remember a time when he didn’t love Steve Rogers. From the moment he spotted the skinny wisp of a boy fighting in a back alley of Brooklyn to right now, standing in a field waiting for Steve to return the Infinity stones. Bucky’s entire existence revolves around Steve. His heart beats for him, his blood pumps for him, his soul yearns for him. He knows this man inside and out. 

There are only two other people who ever really understood Steve, even if it was never as deeply as Bucky did. Abraham Erskine, who Bucky lights a candle for once a month. He can never thank the scientist enough for believing in Steve, for making Steve healthier, stronger, the man he was supposed to be. And Margaret Carter, who loved the small and fragile waif that still lingers inside the beefcake that emerged from Howard Stark’s machine. 

Bucky loved her too, in his own way. It was never as bright and all consuming as his love for Steve is, but it was there. He remembers more and more each day about the three of them back then. The short amount of time they had was a balm against the war, a bubble of happiness that Bucky wished he never had to leave. He knows the chances of having something like that again are slim.

Standing there, watching as Steve gets ready, Bucky is thankful for every single second he’s had with Steve since waking from cryo. Even the ones where he tried to kill him. He will have those to come back to because Steve is leaving him behind. Steve’s not said it, but he doesn’t have to. Bucky just knows. Steve is going to return the stones and then go to be with Peggy. They never could be what they were in the war, not in the 40s or 50s. Bucky understands.

Steve is there, standing in front of him. “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”

“How can I?” Bucky says softly. “When you’re taking all the stupid with you.” He clings to Steve longer than is necessary. “Gonna miss you, buddy.”

Steve gives him a look, like he wants to say something, but Bruce interrupts. Steve moves away, gathering the case of stones and Thor’s hammer. God, Bucky is gonna miss that hammer. Watching Steve wield it had been a thing of beauty. Another memory to get him through the long days and nights ahead. Steve activates the suit. He looks right at Bucky. Bucky looks back, memorizing Steve’s face. 

Bruce counts down Steve’s departure. Bucky stuffs his hands in his pockets so Bruce and Sam can’t see him making fists. Steve disappears. Then Bruce begins the countdown to Bucky’s broken heart. Closing his eyes, Bucky remembers

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Five

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Their first kiss. It is Steve’s eighteenth birthday. All of Steve’s doctors have said he’d never live this long. In celebration Bucky is able to scrape together enough money for a small canvas and barely used watercolors. He can see it so clearly. Steve, so tiny and pale, gaping over the present. Bucky beaming.

“Bucky, this is too much,” Steve says. “I can’t even tell what half of these colors are.”

“No worries, pal, I’ll help you out there,” Bucky replies.

“Thanks, Buck. I… I can’t thank you enough.”

“You’re welcome, Steve,” he says. He leans in, taking Steve’s face in his hands. He leans in to place a playful smacking kiss to Steve’s lips. But once their lips meet, it turns into something else. Steve presses in, turning it into something serious, more meaningful. Bucky pulls back. “Stevie?”

Steve blushes, color streaking from his cheeks to his neck and on downward. “I, uh, I love you, Buck. Always have. “

“Aw, fuck, Stevie,” Bucky croons, pulling him in, pressing kisses all over his face. “Love you too, doll.”

They kiss and kiss and eventually end up in bed. Bucky takes Steve apart, soaking in all the moans and gasps and whimpers. It’s a great day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Four

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Night descends and Steve calls a halt to the march. They’re nowhere near base, but far enough away from the Hydra warehouse for him to feel like they can bunk down. He goes around, helping men get settled, checking on the wounded. Bucky goes off, using his skills to procure a tent. The men have made a rough circle so he sets it just on the outside. There are rough blankets and their jackets will have to substitute for pillows. 

He’s feeling jittery, wondering if this is all a dream. Maybe he’s still strapped to that table, the rat faced scientist dripping fire into his veins. He long ago stopped believing in a God, but he utters a prayer of thanks, of hope that he’s safe, he’s alive, he’s got Steve. A different Steve, one that’s taller than him, built like a brick wall. There’s noise outside and he’s reaching for his rifle.  
“Hey, Bucky, it’s me,” Steve says, poking his head through. 

Bucky relaxes. “You done?”

“Yeah, asked about you, they said you were out here. Got a reason for that?”

“Thought we could use some privacy,” Bucky said. “So, guess I did leave some stupid with you after all, punk.”

Steve has the decency to blush as he takes off his jacket, collapsing to sit next to Bucky. “Yeah, well, couldn’t pass it up. Didn’t just make me bigger. Fixed everything else.” He reaches for Bucky’s hand, putting it on his chest.

Bucky feels Steve’s heart beating underneath his fingers. Strong, steady, no skipping. He can also hear Steve breath, deep breaths that don’t rattle or wheeze. He looks up, staring into Steve’s eyes. “Even your eyes?”

“Yeah, even them, Buck,” Steve breathes. “Had to learn what the colors I couldn’t see before actually looked like. Never knew your eyes were so beautiful.”

“Stevie,” Bucky whispers, reaching up to cups Steve’s face.

“Thought I’d lost you, Buck. Thought I’d never get to see you again,” Steve says, moving so that Bucky is laying on his back, Steve above him. “Can I …? Let me love you, Buck.”

Bucky just reaches up for Steve, losing himself in the kiss. Steve’s hands are strong and warm as they undress him. He hides his noises in Steve’s shoulder, revelling in the feeling of Steve inside him, around him, worshipping him. The next morning they dress in silence, constantly giving each other looks. Bucky thinks everything will be fine. Until they get to camp and he meets Margaret Carter.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Three

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He remembers how everything in the bar just stopped when she walked in. The music, the voices, hell, even his heart. A vision in red with her purse in one hand, a set of files in another. And she only had eyes for Steve. As she approached him, everything slowly came back to life. 

“Agent,” Steve says.

“Captain,” she replies, offering him the files. “New orders. I thought you might want to look them over, discuss them with your men.”

“They’re not my men, yet. Haven’t had the chance to ask them.”

“Perhaps you should, Captain,” she says, dismissing him. Steve nods, moving away to the table. Then Carter turned to him. “Sergeant, I think you should buy me a drink.”

Never one to disappoint a lady, Bucky replies, “Yes, ma’am,” and leads her to the bar. He orders a scotch and she echoes her desire for the same. Once the drinks are poured, she offers her glass in a toast.

“To… possibilities,” she says mysteriously.

He clinks his glass with her. “What kind, Agent?”

She sips her drink, leveling him with a look. Right then, Bucky immediately knows what Steve sees in her. Damn if he maybe wants a little piece of it too.

“May I be blunt, Sergeant?”

“If you’re gonna be blunt, might as well use my name.”

“Very well, James.” He likes the way that sounds rolling off her tongue. So proper and just a hint of sass. “I know what you mean to Steve.”

“I’m not sure what you mean, ma’am.”

“Peggy, please. And I mean, he talked of you constantly before the procedure. He risked his life when he heard you might be dead. Jumped out of a plane without a parachute.”

Bucky nearly chokes on his scotch. “He did what?”

“Yes, I know. And I’ve seen the way he looks at you. The way you look at him.”

Bucky tries to deny it but she holds up a hand, delaying anything he might say. 

“What Steve and I might have pales in comparison to what you and Steve do have,” she says calmly, slowly. “However, I’d like the chance to be with him. I’d like to suggest a compromise.”

“What? We switch nights to have him?” 

“We share.”  
Bucky is stunned. He’d heard of things like this, but only as rumor, as fairytale. “Really?”

“Yes, really,” Peggy says. “Everything Steve has told me about you makes me think you and I could get along quite well. Perhaps even reign in some of his more… reckless tendencies.”

“I’d love to see you try,” Bucky snorts.

Peggy pulls out a slip of paper, sliding it along to bar to Bucky. “If you want to try, bring Steve here at ten. I’m eager to teach him many things.”

It was Bucky’s turn to give a shock. “Guess he never told you what happened with all those chorus girls, huh?” He grinned when she spat out her scotch.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Two

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

His mind had been a fractured mess of memories right after he’d fished Steve from the Potomac. Bucky had hidden for two weeks, taking over Hydra safehouses until the furor had died down. Every night his sleep was ragged and he’d wake up from nightmares of what they’d made him do. But there were tiny ragged pieces of good memories. Tiny blond figures. A brunette in red. Laughter coming from three figures in a bed. The man on the bridge.

He’d latched onto that last image, eventually finding his way to the Smithsonian. For a week he stood and stared at all the pictures, read all the plaques. There was a piece of film, played on a loop that always drew him in. The man, and someone who had his face. He also spends hours and hours watching the film with the woman. Margaret Carter. On the sixth day the name Peggy comes to him. He feels like she means something to him.

It doesn’t take long for him to find out where she is. Hydra is good for getting into secure places, at least. He monitors the home for a while before trying to approach her. The security there is good, but he slips in during shift change. She seems to be sleeping when he closes the door of her room behind him.

He’d heard a nurse say she was having a good day. Maybe she can tell him something. Spark more memories. She looks so much older than the film clip, but somehow, is just as beautiful. He hopes he doesn’t make much noise as he stands there, unsure of what to do. She starts to wake then, eyes blinking before her gaze shifts to him.

“James?”

God, that name, uttered by that voice. It makes his heart skip a beat, his stomach clench in recognition. 

“Oh, my darling what did they do to you?” she asks. “Come here.” She holds out her arms for him.

He hesitates for only a second before he’s stumbling to her, gently collapsing into her arms. The tears start to flow and he sobs as she strokes his back, murmuring gently to him. He doesn’t know how long they stay like that. Eventually his breath hitches and he looks up at her.

“You know me?” he asks, voice rough.

“You’re James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky to some,” she replies. “I loved you once. We both loved Steve Rogers.”

“I know him.”

“You’ve known him most of your life, James.”

“We… what were we? All of us?”

She gives him a wicked smile. “Lovers. I’d hoped maybe, if you’d both lived, we could have been more than that.”

“Oh. Did I love you? Love him?”

“You loved Steve fiercely. More than I ever could have loved him. I was a tiny bit jealous of that. I believe that you loved me, though you never said. But you always brought me something back from missions you went on.”

A memory fragment washes over him. “Black lace.”

She chuckles. “Oh, yes, that was a memorable weekend.” She brushes a hand over his head. “Steve is looking for you.”

“I can’t… not yet. I’m… I’m broken.”

“Don’t make him wait too long, James. You’re going to be all he has left. Maybe… no, that would be impossible.”

“What?”

“Finding another person for both of you. I’m not sure there’s anyone else who could handle you.”  
That makes Bucky smile. “I can’t stay long. Tell me something else.”

“You loved to make Steve blush. He was a full body blusher. It made him look so young. We’d have contests to see who could make him go the most red.”

“That sounds like it was fun.”

“Oh, my dear James, it was. But now you have to promise me something.”

“I’ll try.”

“Say you’ll find Steve. That you will love him enough for both of us. I wish I could ask you to visit me again, but….”

“No, it’s not safe. Thank you. Peggy.”

“Pegs. You both called me Pegs.”

“Pegs,” he says. He leans into her embrace one last time, brushing a kiss across her cheek. She sighs, closing her eyes as she lets him go.

“Goodbye, James.”

“Goodbye.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He knows all the names of his goats, wonders who took care of them in the five years he was gone. Did tiny Dot have her baby? Was Steve still an asshole? He remembers introducing human Steve to his goat namesake.

“You named a goat for me?” Steve asks, watching as the goats play.

“Well, he was getting into places he shouldn’t, so it seemed like a good fit.”

Steve laughed then, bright and full and god Bucky had missed him. Since the Wakandan doctors had figured out how to stop the trigger words from working, he and Steve had been talking a lot over something called Skype. He remembered more and more. Shuri was careful to caution him that he might not remember everything, but Bucky remembered the important things. He remembered Steve.

“Come on, I’ve upgraded from a hut. Okoye said if I was going to have visitors I should have a place for them to sleep.”

Steve hesitates, smile diminishing. It makes Bucky’s heart hurt to see it. “Is that all I am, Buck, a visitor?”

“Fuck, Stevie, no,” Bucky replies, moving to crowd into Steve’s personal space. “Babydoll, no, I’d never treat you like that. It’s just… Nat’s been by a few times. Sam too. But come on, I’ll show you what I’ve got for my best guy.”

“Best guy huh?”

“Ain’t no one else, sugar. Never has been since I picked your skinny ass up out of a puddle in Red Hook.”

“You sure do know how to sweet talk a guy, Buck.”

Bucky just grins, leading Steve over the hill to where his new place is. It’s larger, two stories, with as many amenities as Shuri could shove into the floor plan. He has a good surprise waiting for Steve upstairs,

“Bucky, this is… it’s so great,” Steve says.

“Yeah. Got a good kitchen, a nice space outside for having friends over. But the real treat is upstairs.” He takes Steve’s hand, tugging up. There are four rooms up there, Bucky’s is at the end of the hall. “Take a look,” he says, opening the door for Steve.

“Buck, that’s… that’s one hell of a bed.”

“It should be. I had it custom made,” Bucky says. The thing takes up most of the room. There is barely room on either side for a person to slide along before getting in. “Picked out everything about it myself. Softest pillows for me, firmer ones for you. Blankets made by as many grandmas as I could find. Mattress that’s not too soft but not hard as a rock. Best of all, the frame is made of a vibranium-adamantium mix..”

Steve turns to Bucky, his smile turning into a lascivious grin. “So you’re saying it won’t break.”

“I did have the kids from the village come and jump on it, but I don’t know if that’s much of a test.”

“Sound like a challenge.”

“Well, then, Stevie, why don’t you get over here and fuck me?”

Steve tackles him to the mattress and proceeds to do just that.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sam says something, so Bucky dares to look. Steve’s there. Steve is standing on the platform look almost the same as he did as when he disappeared. Bucky can tell his hair is slightly tousled and there’s a faint hint of red on his lips. He just watches as Steve talks to Sam. Then Steve is standing in front of him.

“You came back,” Bucky says.

“Is that why you said you’d miss me? You didn’t think I would?” Steve asks.

“No. I mean… Carter….”

Steve takes his arm, leads him to a bench. 

“Bucky, I know it hasn’t been easy for you. But you remember more and more each day,” he starts out.

“You know I do, Steve.”

“Then do you remember that night in Paris?”

It takes a minute but Bucky cracks a smile and replies. “I do.”

“Or that afternoon in the forests of Austria?”

“That was a good afternoon,” Bucky says, smiling wider.

Steve reaches into his pocket, pulling out the lipstick. He shows it to Bucky. “How about that weekend in London?”

It takes a little longer but a deep blush slowly creeps over Bucky’s cheeks, but he grins. He remembers lip prints in that shade peppered over his dick. Bruises in the shape of Steve’s fingers on his hips. And a new appreciation of the serum’s effect on his stamina.

“Yeah, I do. She was a hell of a dame.” Bucky realizes that it’s time to tell Steve. Of all the memories he experienced while waiting, the one with Peggy was the most important. 

Steve nods. “She was. She was happy. She moved on. But she still had feelings for both of us. Like I had feelings for both of you. Still have ‘em,” he says, putting the lipstick away. He wraps an arm around Bucky’s waist. “You are both the loves of my long life. Turns out my time with her wasn’t ever gonna be that long. But you and I? We said ‘til the end of the line. Hasn’t ended yet. So what do you say?”

“I say you’re still I punk and I don’t know why I love you.”

Laughing Steve turns to kiss him. Bucky kisses back It’s more than he ever could have hoped for. He has a chance at a happy ending.

“Hey guys, come on, Barton’s brood landed and Pepper ordered in,” Sam’s voice calls out. 

They both turn to see him approaching, carrying the shield. “Looks good on you,” Steve says.

Sam grins, posing with it. “It does, doesn’t it? Hurry up. Thor said he’s got two people who just came in he wants everyone to meet. A Lady Sif and a Darcy.”

“Oh! She’s the one who tased him in New Mexico,” Steve says excitedly. 

“Yeah, he tells that story a lot,” Bucky replies. “Sounds like a spitfire. Let’s go meet her.”  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

They are about halfway to the house when Bucky speaks again. “I miss her.”

“Peggy?”

“Yeah. Got more memories of the war. Can you imagine what’d be like if she’d gotten the serum too?”

Steve laughs, pulling Bucky in for a one armed hug. “God. She would’ve swam out into that ice to pull my ass out and smack me in the head. Then she would’ve stormed Russia alone to rescue you.”

“She would have too. I would love to have seen her kick the shit out of Zola.”

Steve gives him another squeeze before they reach the house. The boisterous sounds of friends and family reuniting prevent further reminiscing, especially when Natasha steps out from behind Bruce. There are tears and demands for explanations. Then they spend the night trading stories and drinking. Bucky happily shares a few from his and Steve’s childhood that get Steve blushing. Of course Steve reciprocates. 

It’s nice to see Steve relax, be the person Bucky knows he is off the battlefield. He even notices Steve flirt with Darcy. She flirts back. She is like that with everyone. Bucky decides he likes her and when he really pours on the charm it sparks something in him to see her blush furiously. It feels good to know he’s still got it when it comes to pretty dames. 

As people start to drift away, Pepper shows the new guests where they’ll be staying. Bucky lets Steve lead him to their room. The bed here isn’t as good as the one he left in Wakanda, but it functions well enough. 

Bucky sits down on the bed, patting the space next to him. “Come on, sit down, punk. I got things to say.”

Steve crosses the room to sit down next to Bucky. “Okay, I’m listening.”

Bucky just sits there looking at his hands, flesh and metal, trying to decide how best to tell Steve everything. “I don’t know how long it was for you, when you took the stones back. And it really was only five seconds on this end. But for me, it was an eternity.”

“But I did come back,” Steve assures him, taking his flesh hand. Bucky closes his eyes for just a moment to savor the feeling of Steve’s hand and his, together.

“I know, sweetheart, I know. But in those five seconds I experienced a lot of memories. Even had a new one.”

“A new one?”

“Well, not really. I remembered it all along it was just… tucked away until the right time.”

“And that’s now?”

“Yeah, Stevie, that’s now.” Bucky maneuvers to sit more in the middle of the bed, cross-legged. Steve mirrors him and they hold hands again.

“Back in D.C., after… after everything, I laid low. Used Hydra safehouses to work through the initial flood of memories.”

Steve squeezes his hand. “You’ve told me this, Buck. You went to the museum, saw the exhibit, saw me. Us.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t tell you about the hours I spent watching the video with Carter. Peggy.” Steve looks like he’s going to say something more, but Bucky holds up a hand for patience. “I also used Hydra resources to find her. I went and saw her, Steve.”

Steve just makes a noise and Bucky pushes on.

“She was having a real good day. Recognized me, let me cry my eyes out in her arms. Told me she loved me.”

“Oh, Buck.”

“There’s more. She told me to find you. To stop running. She told me to love you enough for the both of us.”

“You do, Buck. You do.”

“I know, but Stevie, your heart… it’s so fucking big. She had a notion. Something she thought was impossible. But I’m now thinkin’ it might not be.”

Steve gestures for him to go on.

“She said maybe we should look for another someone, another person to share our lives with. Didn’t know if there was anyone who could handle us.”

“We are a handful,”Steve agrees with a grin. “But Peggy can’t be duplicated.”

“But… do you… have you ever wondered about maybe… maybe finding someone?”

“Sometimes. Are you still thinking about it, Buck?”

“Kinda, Stevie. I wanted kids, Steve. I want our kids. Little girls with your hair. Little boys with your eyes. And there ain’t no one on the planet, ‘cept maybe T’Challa and Shuri, who’d let us adopt, not with my history.”

He leaves his words hanging there, not daring to look at Steve. He’s had a lot to think about in those five seconds. In all the seconds since Steve came back and promised him their line hadn’t ended. Steve reaches forward, taking Bucky’s hands in his.

“Bucky, sweetheart. God. I love you so much. But before all of this, we’d only had a year or so of being who we’d been before. And you’ve been gone for five years. I want time for us to be us again.”

“And later?”

“If we can only adopt in Wakanda, then that’s what we do,” Steve assures. “I’m sure there are plenty of kids out there who need parents. Peggy was a one of a kind woman. Any other woman we might think about would always be compared to her. That’s not fair.”

Bucky nods. “That’s true. So where do we go from here?”

“Think your hut’s still there? That bed was incredible.”

Bucky laughs, pulling Steve in for a hug.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

They’ve been in Wakanda for three months when Okoye approaches them. She finds them sitting out in front of the hut, enjoying the weather. Hiding behind her skirts is a girl of about six or seven.

“How can we help you?” Steve asks at the same time Bucky says, “Who’s your friend?”

“Both the questions have a common answer,” Okoye says. “This is Johari. She was one of the Vanished. Her mother died in the fight before the Snap. Her father shortly after in an accident. When she returned she was taken in by her grandmother, but….”

“Granny’s getting too old?” Bucky supplies.

Okoye nods. “Yes. Johari has no other family, and the princess mentioned you were thinking of adopting.”

“We’d love to have her,” Steve says. “Would you like to come and live with us, Johari?”

“The Captain and the White Wolf are great heroes and warriors, little one. They are friends of our king and the princess,” Okoye says.

Johari peeks out from behind Okoye. “Can I play with the goats?”

Bucky grins. “Of course you can, darling. Anything you want.”

She takes a step away from Okoye, looking up at the woman. Okoye nods and Johari moves slowly forward. Steve offers a hand. She takes it and climbs up into his lap. “Are you my baba now?”

“If you want me to be.”

Johari looks at them both before cuddling into Steve. “Maybe.”

“I will leave you to it,” Okoye says, smiling as she leaves.

Johari becomes the first of many orphans of the Snap and the Return they take in. They are called in to do minor Avenging things occasionally. The first time Bucky goes in, he returns with a teenage boy, Carter. When Steve goes he comes back with siblins from Latveria. It goes on and on like that for years. Their hut soon turns into a sprawling farmhouse. They are overrun by kids, but it turns out, they’re more than okay with that.


End file.
